“I ran at her and tackled her onto the bed. She still had the gun in her hand but now it was pointed at me. I kept thinking, ‘Is this real?’”

WORDS Ellen Brook

Todd Hilleard was passionate about being a police officer, but a routine callout turned armed confrontation was the first in a series of events that changed his state of mind. Todd had been talking to a woman who had allegedly assaulted her husband when suddenly she pulled out a pistol, held it to her head, and threatened to shoot herself.

“It was a horrible situation,” recalls Todd. “Everything was happening in slow motion and I felt awful to be pinning this woman down, trying to force the gun from her hands.It was my first time in a situation which came from nowhere and involved a firearm. I was completely unprepared for it.”

Later, Todd was rattled when a driver he’d stopped unexpectedly reached under the seat of his car. “I was worried he might be reaching for a gun, and it put me on edge,” says Todd. 

After another event where a shotgun was thought to be in the vehicle of a father who had abducted his children, Todd realised he wasn’t coping. The Police transferred him from Tauranga to Christchurch, his hometown, hoping the fresh start would improve his mental health.

But the September 2010 earthquake made Todd even more anxious. “Afterwards, I was on edge.I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin, especially going out on jobs in the middle of the night.”

During the second earthquake in February 2011, Todd was at work on the third floor of the Christchurch Central Police Station. “The alarms went on and on, and I expected the building to come down,” says Todd. “I was terrified.”

Todd didn’t have time to dwell on his fear; he was immediately sent to the CTV building which had collapsed like a concertina, killing 115 people and trapping many more. “Other cops were on top of the rubble, but I thought, ‘I can’t be here, I’m scared’," says Todd. He stayed at the scene for 12 hours. “It was chaos. I saw terrible things you hope to never see.”

There were also bright spots. Todd and his fiancée Tash were planning their wedding, and he was working on a rewarding project organising the recovery of vehicles trapped in Christchurch’s Red Zone. But the day after his stag party, Todd went to hospital with heart palpitations. He then had an allergic reaction to the drug he was given and went into anaphylactic shock. His heart needed electrical cardioversion to restart its normal rhythm.electrical cardioversion, a high-energy shock sent to the heart to restart its normal rhythm. Todd was devastated.

“I couldn’t believe this was happening to me at 30 years old,” says Todd. “I was beside myself at the thought of my heart stopping.”

Todd married Tash in April 2011. Although the wedding was a happy occasion, Todd hit rock bottom soon afterward. “I was driving to the movies when I started to have chest pains,” says Todd. “I went to the hospital, but my heart wasn’t the problem. I was having a panic attack.”

After the birth of their baby boy, Tate, Todd woke up one morning in 2011 and  knew he couldn’t go back to work. “It was time for me to stop fighting.I felt quite euphoric about that.”

He went on sick leave from the Police, and then leave without pay. Soon after, Tash, then 24 weeks pregnant with their daughter Lexi was made redundant and the young family moved back to Tauranga. Todd found solace in the local surfing scene, but he’d lost his identity as a police officer. “I’d be out and see police cars with my old mates in them. It took a long time to accept what had happened,” says Todd. He finally resigned from his job in 2013.

Although he’d left the Police, Todd’s mental health was still poor. At his lowest point, he even considered suicide. “My twisted thoughts were my biggest battle. They put me in a very dark place and I worried I was going crazy,” says Todd. “I finally got help through my doctor, went to therapy and realised that talking openly and rawly and letting myself be vulnerable really helped.”

Todd returned to the workforce in sales at Coca-Cola and then Goodman Fielder, and stayed involved in the surfing scene. His love of the sport led him to the next chapter of his career. Taking part in the 2018 Police Association Surfing Champs in Raglan, Todd noticed that at 1.8 metres and 90kg, the XL-sized hooded towelling poncho Todd received as a souvenir of the event was too small for him. He began researching similar products and looking at samples. When he found what he wanted, he set up Noxen (noxen.co.nz), an online surf and lifestyle clothing business. 

For Todd, what started as a solution to one problem has become a way for him to give back to the community. The brand’s tagline “Ride Every Wave” reminds Todd to ride out life’s ups and downs. A percentage of each sale goes to Lifeline, the mental health and suicide prevention hotline, and a further percentage of sales revenue is donated to other charitable causes.

Todd continues to be open about his mental health, both on the Noxen website and at speaking engagements. He acknowledges that his experiences changed his ability to manage things the way he used to. “I’ll never be fully back,” says Todd. “I’ll always have anxiety and depression, but I can manage it, and now I have an opportunity to pay it forward.”

WHERE TO GET HELP

Sometimes it helps to know someone is listening and that you don’t have to face your problems alone.

0800 LIFELINE

Youthline 0800376633

Free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat.