Rachael from Rotherham Law knows about divorce, from the legalities to the emotional impact it can have. Here she tells you what you need to do if you’re thinking about saying ‘I don’t’.

For some, separation comes as a shock, and for others it’s a slow burn. It can often be comparable to a partner passing away. You can go through similar stages of grief, fluctuating between shock, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, testing and acceptance. 

Family lawyers can assist with legalities, as well as personal matters, that range from contracting out (prenups), separation, childcare, spousal maintenance, child support, family violence, adoption and surrogacy. At the other end of life, they help with enduring Powers of Attorney, Wills and capacity matters like helping family members get orders to make decisions for elderly relatives when they have lost capacity. 

Here's a rundown of what to expect in divorce proceedings and advice on how to make it easier for everyone.

Pick your battles

It is possible to separate with dignity, compassion and understanding. It doesn’t have to be The War of the Roses. Most people who hire a lawyer do not go near a courtroom and many choose a collaborative approach. Court is there when you need it, but it doesn’t have to be that way. The starting point is dividing property after all the debts are repaid 50/50. But not always, as sometimes there are circumstances that lead one party to be entitled to more based on their situation. When you come to an agreement without the Court’s intervention it is called a Separation Agreement. It needs to be in writing to be legally binding, and the parties must have had independent legal advice from a lawyer who explained the effects and implications of it.

Know your audience

Make sure when you get legal advice that you are comfortable with the lawyer you are instructing. You need to be able to talk to them and feel listened to. But you also need to feel comfortable and trust them when they tell you something you don’t necessarily want to hear. They are always acting for your interests but what you are entitled to may not necessarily marry up to your expectation (pun intended). You know when you walk into a room and start talking to someone in that first minute if they are the right fit. Go with your gut instinct. We all have the same qualifications but different lawyers have different approaches, so it needs to feel right to you.

Get organised

Go to your meetings prepared so that you make the most of your time. Make a list of what you want to talk about. If you are instructing on a separation, have a list ready of what assets and debts you have so when you get asked this question you have that information. As difficult as it might be, try to remove the emotion so you’re making the most of your time with your lawyer, and they can gather all the necessary details needed the first time. 

Don’t sweat the small stuff

As with any breakup, emotions are high and it can be hard to separate yourself from those feelings. But try to think about what is most important, like having somewhere to live and paying the bills, or the children’s care arrangements and what is best for them. I have been that lawyer who wrote a letter about returning the Cirque du Soleil umbrella that held emotional attachment, but was it worth the cost of my time to do it? That’s an individual decision, but my advice is to focus on the big picture. Your emotional wellbeing and moving forward are more important. 

A qualified mediator and collaborative family lawyer, Rachael Rotherham spent the majority of her working life in Auckland at a large commercial firm before deciding to move her family out of the city and here to the Bay. Now, Rachael has created a boutique law firm specialising in family law and separations.

Rotherhamlaw.co.nz