Tauranga Living Without Violence is working to end domestic violence from within.

words Hayley Barnett  |  photos Alex Cairns

Forty years ago, five men in Tauranga got together to fight domestic violence. They formed a group called Tauranga Living Without Violence (TLWV). If you haven’t heard of them, you’re not alone − and you’re lucky. 

It’s a not-for-profit organisation that works alongside other NGOs and government agencies to support perpetrators and victims of violence. Yes, you read that right – support perpetrators to get the help they need, and often want.

“The group who set this up agreed to a pay deduction to do work in this space,” says Dr Moana Tane, the new CEO of TLWV, who had been in the job for eight months when she sat down with UNO. “They really believed strongly that violence by men towards women was something they didn't want happening on their watch. They wanted to do something about it.” 

With the emphasis on men, Moana understands how that might come across to some, but the numbers don’t lie. Approximately 83 percent of violent crime offenders in New Zealand are male.

“There is a small percentage of women who use violence, but what we see is that they use violence very differently from men. And often it's a form of resistance to violence that has been perpetrated against them. For men, a lot of the time they exert coercive control over their partner.”

While the numbers do lean toward one gender, Moana says that’s where the stereotypes end. “When it comes to tackling this problem it's not about education, it's not about socio-economic status, it's not about ethnicity,” says Moana. “This is a problem for the whole of society.”

Unfortunately, domestic violence in New Zealand has only been getting worse over time. In the year to 2023, NZ Police recorded 177,452 family harm investigations − a 49 percent increase from 2017. And they estimate that roughly 80 percent of incidents go unreported, so in reality this number is much higher.

Part of the reason it’s been getting worse, says Moana, is that it’s becoming increasingly easier to exert control over others thanks to technology.

“What’s alarming is that many men are monitoring their wives with trackers on their cars and tracking apps on their phones. They’ve got access to emails, and even monitor them with cameras. This all sounds crazy but it’s happening in Tauranga. I’ve met women who’ve experienced it themselves and I don’t think a lot is happening about that.”

Sexual violence is also on the rise, something Moana believes has a strong correlation to violent online porn. 

“It’s so readily available,” she says. “We have these men who are consuming large amounts of this rubbish, and then they’re bringing that into their relationships.”

The solution, she says, isn’t to lay blame, but to go to the core of these problems and find out why these situations are happening, then help the perpetrators to recognise what is driving their own behaviour.

“Going into a perpetrator’s background, often there is trauma, there is PTSD, there are a whole range of things that have happened to men that have perhaps influenced their behaviour today in their relationship. And often it’s because of a completely dysfunctional childhood. Whatever harm they’ve experienced is being worked out now in the context of their marriage.”

Though she hasn’t been in the job long, Moana is acutely aware of how these patterns play out. For 12 years she worked in Australia’s primary healthcare services while studying for her PhD on the denormalisation of smoking, and lived within very remote Aboriginal communities.

“Violence was all around me. There were no social services − we just patched them up as best we could and offered help. The scenario back then was, if a woman had married, often she'd married into the community, so the bloodlines were his. If he perpetrated violence, she really had nowhere to go. If things became bad, she could go into a refuge and stay there to recover and get treatment, but then she’d have to go home with the kids, he'd come back from jail, and the whole cycle would repeat itself.”

Really, says Moana, it was the husband who needed the help in the first place.

After years of feeling helpless, Moana decided she needed to get out. “I got to the point where I was starting to get a bit lala, living and working in very trying circumstances. It just wasn’t sustainable for me.”

After a few years of moving between jobs, from social work to positions in public health, she was eventually offered the job with TLWV here in the Bay. She says while the problems themselves aren’t getting any better, the way the community here works together is inspiring and offers hope in an otherwise bleak statistical nightmare.

TLWV works closely with the Family Court and Corrections, as well as Tautoko Mai Sexual Harm Support and Women’s Refuge to provide victim support. Their own programmes are designed for perpetrators of violence. Usually the people they help come directly from the court to undertake a mandated course in order to reunite with their family. But there are men who voluntarily take the courses too.

“There are many men who actually want help and want to be good men,” says Moana. “They want to be safe men for their families and often they don't even know what that looks like until they come here.”

TLWV has 17 staff, made up of counsellors and case workers with backgrounds in psychology, social work and education. Their Men’s Non-Violence Programme provides group facilitation and runs for 20 weeks, and their Safety Programme offers support for victims, or survivors. They also have individual programmes for those who feel they need extra help.

“Our Men’s Non-Violence Programme teaches people what a safe relationship looks like, what a safe man looks like, what are the green flags, as well as the red flags, in terms of having a safe relationship or moving into a new one. In society we see perceptions about violence and victim blaming occurs. People say they can’t understand why a woman would stay in a violent relationship. We understand that there may be love within the relationship, and women want the violence to stop, not that they want to leave their partner or the family. What we know is that for some men who may use violence or control in relationships, they are practised at wooing a woman, putting up a false front, pretending to be the man she admires. But over time, as control, demands and violence increase, the façade slips and women begin to realise they have been fooled. Our victim-survivors are all intelligent, and often educated women who have not gone out seeking violent men. For some men, having no awareness of how to regulate their own emotions or communicate (even from a place of hurt and pain), or who are adhering to masculinity that denies feeling, or self-awareness, violence can be the ‘go-to’ behaviour in conflict.”

With a wait list for their Men’s Non-Violence Programme, TLWV has their work cut out for them. But they’re also in the process of designing a maintenance programme, which will give perpetrators a social link with people who may have experienced similar challenges but have come out the other side. “It’s a proactive way to maintain resistance to the violence they've used in the past,” says Moana.

While the stats and figures aren’t showing a lot of hope in this space, Moana and the team remain positive. “We love men and we believe in them,” she smiles. “We all have brothers, fathers, and some of us have sons. There are lovely men out there, who are safe and who are kind to their families. And they have learned to be that way through experience and support from others. In our service, we seek to break down perceptions and barriers that contribute to the use of violence. In our teams, we encourage male counsellors to work with our female groups and we always have female facilitators in our male programmes, because we want those men to see what a safe, strong woman looks like. It’s about challenging misconceptions and trying to help people to understand some of the driving root causes of why men might use this violence while offering alternatives to them. And group work is so very important, because it helps men to be accountable to one another for their behaviour.”

Drawing on her background with tobacco control, Moana says the two issues − smoking and domestic violence − can be dealt with in similar ways.

“We were very successful in denormalising smoking over the years but we did that because we threw light on the harms of tobacco and the fact that everybody thought it was normal, but actually it was the most abnormal thing you could do. Some of that same thinking applies to violence. We need to show people not just how harmful it is but what some of the outcomes are going to be over time. With control and violence you’re chasing away this woman you love. But it’s not about blaming. It’s about shifting the focus to the perpetrator and saying, ‘Look
bro, we’re not going to judge you. You need help.” 

TLWV rely on government funding and donations in order to offer their services. To donate, visit their website. They also welcome self-referrals for victims and perpetrators via their website. There are options for hiding your visit and a large ‘quick exit’ button to exit the site immediately.

“These problems are happening all around us, more than we realise,” says Moana. “It’s important for everyone to speak up whether you’re involved or not. If you see something, say something. It will change people’s lives for the better.” 

tlwv.org.nz