Baby on board

Columnist Will Johnston is in awe of the mysteries of pregnancy
– but glad he’s not the one gestating.

You know what it’s taken me almost 40 years to realise? Men would be terrible at
being pregnant.

My wife, Tiffany, is due to give birth to our first baby in the next few weeks. Literally at every point of the pregnancy my mind has wandered to how I would handle the situation she is currently in. As Tiff would say, “Oh, so, we’re making me growing a human about you again, are we?!” 

Yes. Yes, we are. Sort of. Let’s go through it from the start, shall we?

At six weeks pregnant, she was full noise, suffering from what I have come to learn is an inaccurately named ailment called ‘morning sickness’. They should just call it ‘day sickness’, because that’s how long it lasts. All freak’n day! There were voms from 3am to 11pm. 

You know what’s less fun than morning sickness? Morning sickness when you’ve got COVID-19!

Yup, Tiffany caught COVID-19 at seven weeks pregnant. That developed into a bit of long Covid mixed with a foetus draining all the remaining nutrients from her body (pregnancy, it’s sooo glamourous). We ended up in hospital after she spent 48 hours hugging a toilet. Pay the nurses more! They were amazing at Tauranga Hospital. It wasn’t until week 23 or 24  when she finally stopped heaving at least two times a day feeling like you’re hungover with a tummy bug.

Now, can you imagine the cries of despair and notions of travesty that would spout from the mouth of a man if he had to handle even a week of this torture?! Remember the last time a male in your life got man-flu?! We are really not set up for it. 

We all know a guy with a beer gut, right? Let’s talk about growth of stomach area. When one is working on a "keg" rather than a "six-pack" in the abdominal department it is usually years of relentless hand-to-mouth work, walking a meticulous line of over-indulging and exercise avoidance. Sometimes decades worth.

Can you imagine going from six pack to phenomenal mid-section bloom and increasing in weight by about 12kg in five months? And alongside that all of your organs are getting pushed around and your stomach is shrinking at an alarming rate as said organs mush it towards your oesophagus. What’s more, you can’t even drink anything fun to get the beer gut fully formed! Just imagine a male tradie on the building site at the end of a hard week on the tools. But imagine him eight months pregnant and not able to enjoy a beer with the boys. And do you trust him not to have that beer?! 

Don’t even get me started with will power. Tiff’s had what I like to call "snout cravings". Not so much in the
eating department, more in the smell craving department. She has sniffed a lot of red wine and coffee during this pregnancy – two things pre-preggers Tiff never touched. 

Speaking of K9 nostrils, as she walked in the front door the other day, she declared: “Something is off in the
fridge, get rid of it now!” Then exited the premises. Can you imagine a man off his food? The hardship! 

I think all men know a guy in their group who has a weak bladder; on a road trip they have to stop five times between Tauranga and Auckland (the beer gut isn’t helping). But at least they don’t have a tiny human who sporadically throughout the day kicks them swiftly in their already slightly baby-crushed bladder – usually at the most inappropriate time.

Finally, tie all of the above together, chuck in reflux, increasing water weight throughout the day, pain in multiple different joints and muscles due to the rapid change in weight and size, significant hormone changes, shortness of breath because your lungs/diaphragm are literally getting pushed up by your organs, rubbish sleep and low iron/energy levels… Then go to work and not complain 24/7 about it all. 

I kicked the foot of the bed the other day. It took me two days to stop limping and telling people about how sore my toe was. Men are 100 percent the fairer sex.

The trick is knowing this. I am happy in my current wheelhouse containing phrases such as: “What can I make you for dinner?” “Would you like a back/foot rub?” “Can I help you up/down/sideways?” “Can I run you a warm bath and roll you in the shallows as you make faint whale noises?” 

Ok, well maybe not that last one! 

I’m a lucky man. Lucky to have a baby on the way with the woman I love. And, lucky I’m not the pregnant one!  

  @radiowill