In the ‘hood
Kids can have big emotions. Simple self-care for parents
helps find and lend kids our calm.
Words Holly Brooker, Parenting Place
Parenthood is an incredibly fulfilling, beautiful journey, but it can also be one of the most challenging experiences. During times of high stress, it’s important we care for ourselves and build our own reserves so we can manage the stressors we face, and be present to support our tamariki. It’s like the safety message we hear on planes: Put your own oxygen mask on first.
Fitting in self-care
Life as a parent is incredibly busy. But self-care doesn’t have to be the luxe pampering you see on Instagram. It can be the small things, little and often, to achieve balance, like refraining from starting that gripping Netflix series at 10pm. Getting a good balance of fruit and veg (and no, the “grape juice” that goes quite well with Netflix doesn’t count as fruit). Moving your body, even if a daily five-minute walk around the block is all you can manage. Or snatching two minutes of silence during times of high stress to process the triggers you might be feeling.
Creating space for ourselves is an important tool to help ensure we are able to keep calm during periods of stress, so we can provide our kids with the emotional stability and support that they need.
Our kids need self-care too, with a gentle balance of sleep, good food, movement, and play. Consistent routines, exceptions and boundaries increase our child's feelings of safety and security, especially during times of extra stress and uncertainty.
Expect the unexpected
If there is one given in parenting, it’s that our children will have big emotions and big behaviours – often when we least expect it (like when we’re running out the door, already late). Big emotions can make children feel out of control. Children generally express themselves through behaviour rather than words, and sometimes that behaviour can be pretty confronting and loud.
Hence the need to look after ourselves first, so we’re well-resourced to be a cushion for our kids when their big feelings erupt. This is when our kids really need us to help them find their calm – we can lend them some of ours, but only if we can prevent ourselves from having our own emotions triggered by their big feelings.
Pause, reflect, engage
“Pause, reflect, engage” is a simple strategy to help reduce the brain’s threat level, enabling our prefrontal cortex to do the work it was designed to do. It’s particularly helpful if you’re struggling with additional stressors as well.
“Pause” is about stopping and taking a slow, deep breath (or 10!) in a stressful situation. It really is just about breathing. Oxygen is a gift to the brain and nervous system, and a very quick and effective way to calm things down a bit.
When we “reflect”, we gather information about and from ourselves, as well as from our surroundings. We use “reflect” with empathy to notice our thoughts and feelings based on the situation we’re in.
We do this by asking the following questions:
Name the feeling you are experiencing. It might be, “I feel frustrated.” No judgement, just acknowledgement.
Now consider, what might my child be feeling? “They seem to be feeling sad.” Accept where they are at, without judgement. “Those are their feelings, and that's okay.”
Consider the why? “I’m wondering whether I’m feeling so frustrated because they are making me late to work by mucking around?” or “I’m wondering if he could feel sad because I’m getting snappy and grumpy?”
Now we “engage”. Once we have that information, we can use it to better understand ourselves, our kids and the situation, and we can plan of how to move forward together. A simple, sharing conversation could be enough.
“When you and I were arguing before, I noticed that things were getting out of hand. So I just needed to stop and take a breath. When I did, I realised that I was feeling really angry and frustrated. Then I thought, well, maybe you felt angry too, maybe even sad because we were arguing? I don’t like feeling that way and I’m sure you don’t either. I’m sorry that it happened. There must be some way we can work this out. Let’s give it a go.”
This simple process of understanding our triggers and emotions, as well as our kids, and sharing these through conversation can provide a healthy process of connection.
Our children’s behaviours can be so big and intense that it is difficult to see the emotions underneath. When this happens, we are easily drawn into their emotional turmoil. But if we approach them with an attitude of empathy, compassion and understanding, we show them that their relationship with us is more important than their challenging behaviour. It might be a work in progress, but it’s always progress when you're moving toward connection at the forefront.